I hate shopping with my husband. And, right there, as soon as I typed that first sentence, I wanted to replace “hate” with “dislike” because “hate” feels too strong. I have an instinctive urge to soften the intensity of my negative emotions because of a deeply ingrained belief that negative emotions are dangerous—as in volatile, as in going to get me into trouble, as in plunge me into conflict I hate.
My husband is very utilitarian, so we constantly disagree and debate on what is considered necessary, what is nice to have, and what is outright luxury. In 20+ years of marriage, we’ve squabbled over purchases like Kandoo flushable potty training wipes, red vs. green peppers, and Reddi-Whip.
We’ve had heated blowups in Target. I’ve hurled overt and passive-aggressive, unkind words in my frustration. I’ve deliberately dodged grocery shopping with him whenever possible, because I keep believing my negative emotions are dangerous. I avoid them when I can and lash out when I can’t.
Where does that leave me? Stuck in unhealthy patterns with growing resentment. Not where I want to be. But I’m slowly starting to see that negative emotions aren’t to be feared as dangerous enemies but embraced as useful messengers.
- Messengers that SIGNAL when my values are being violated: It’s important to me that Mike trusts me and I have the freedom to buy what I think we need.
- Messengers that CALL me TO ACTION: I started sharing with my husband when my values of trust and freedom felt violated. We’re finding new ways of relating.
- Messengers that INVITE me to CHANGE: I am learning to welcome my anger, process my feelings with hope and honesty, and move toward those I love in increasingly redeemed ways.
Just yesterday, my husband suggested going to the store together and I reminded him matter of factly that shopping with him can be hard. He said, “I won’t say anything.” And he didn’t. And I leaned in and we had a good time. And hey, that’s progress for both of us!