“I’d like to take Mei out for mother-daughter time on Wednesdays,” I declared to my husband.
“But I’m hoping to take her out driving more — she needs the practice.”
“Uh…you can, but this is something I’d like to do,” I said, confused.
“She’s graduated from practicing in a parking lot. Just give me your errands so I have practical reasons to take her out driving.” A slight urgency in his tone.
“I can take her driving too…why are you trying to change what I want to do?” I retorted, frustration rising.
In my body, I felt conflict bubbling up. Ugh. Conflict. Nobody likes it. But in Asian culture, we especially avoid conflict. — we want to preserve peace at all costs. But “peace” can look like blowing off offenses (resentfully), acting passive aggressively, and “saving face” by deferring on the outside but defiant on the inside.
Since COVID, I was feeling increasingly trapped at home (trying to limit our grocery runs) and itching to leave the house during the pandemic. Now, it felt like he wanted to take more of my errands and encroach upon girl bonding time?!
Typically, I tend to either:
- Stew irritably
- Lash out on unrelated issues
- Roll my eyes, then go out anyway
But what if I could see conflict in a new way?
What if conflict is growth trying to happen? Something is out of sync and conflict is actually the KEY toward genuine connection.
Say what?
I’m realizing how conflict serves as a PATH to discover each others’ likes and dislikes, needs and wants, hopes and regrets. The sacred privilege of a front row seat to learn, understand, and explore the heart and soul of another is one of life’s greatest gifts. And I grow in empathy and love when I expand my small view to include Mike’s story and perspective.
So, I took a deep breath, brushed aside my irritation, and asked Mike to help me understand where he was coming from. And what I heard was unexpected. He saw driving time with our daughter as HIS bonding time with her. He knew this time would soon come to an end once she got her license, so he wanted to make the most of these precious, fleeting moments. I was touched. I was moved. I got a glimpse into his heart for our youngest. And it was beautiful.